Back to Top

Never Win

So I love doing panoramas even when I don’t bring a tripod (i never do) and they turn out slanted.

My mother died a couple days ago. November 17th at 19:40

I was looking at her agonizing form in bed like I had been for the past two weeks and suddenly she made a face that I hadn’t seen before. Her lips trembled. Her eyes went blank. I put my hand on her chest and felt her beating heart slowing down. When it stopped she breathed out the last remains of oxygen in her lungs and her head fell to her side.

Suddenly she wasn’t alive anymore. Suddenly I was looking at a corpse.

The corpse of my mother.

The woman that gave birth to me, that cared for me all my life, ceased to exist.

I never thought I’d see my mother die and certainly didn’t think of the aftermath. I didn’t knew that everything pours out of your body when you die and I had to clean pee and almost all the water that I gave her an hour before she left, water that remained in her stomach and somehow made it’s way out through her mouth. There was no poop, her intestines stopped working long before that.

I undressed her from the dirty clothes that she had used for 5 days straight while agonizing in bed and dressed her with clean clothes after cleaning the body (her body) with alcohol. I covered her not with a white sheet but with a baby blue blanket that I had at hand.

When I finished I sat next to her bed and wondered how long would it take for her body to cool. To get cold and hard.

I wondered when the men of the mortuary would get home and take her away from me.

I wondered when the tears would fall.

You’re so pretty. ❤️